you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
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You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
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Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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