I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
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