I faked an abortion last night.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
