Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
