Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
