i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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