Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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