Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
