god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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