I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Randomize
