And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
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BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
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They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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