can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
