She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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