thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
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I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
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I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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