After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
