masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
