I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
