3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
