also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
