I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
