how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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