There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
