I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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