I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize