I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
