new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
