does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Randomize
