I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Randomize
