even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
