also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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