The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
