I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
