no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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