I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
