Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
