and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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