Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
