Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
