we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
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I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
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This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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