my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
