You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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