I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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