hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
