i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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