i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
