There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
How does one acquire holy water?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
