If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
