You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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