And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
