I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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