Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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