Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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