In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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