Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
only you would photoshop your dick
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize