Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Randomize
