the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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