found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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