I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize