I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
