Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
