Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
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