i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
